The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Page 17
• accurately monitoring their thoughts and feelings
• making correct conclusions about thoughts and feelings of others—sometimes with very small clues (Cliff’s facial expression, Zak’s inflection)
• actively listening to the other person instead of thinking about their own response
• putting aside their own immediate desires to take care of someone else’s (Mac had originally wanted to talk about the door; Jake changed his conversational tactics)
• thinking things through instead of acting impulsively (Mac and Alma)
• putting things into perspective and giving others the benefit of the doubt (Alma realized Kurt was forgetful, not unloving)
• feeling unthreatened when others have a different opinion (Zak)
• calming themselves down quickly when it would have been more satisfying to vent (Mac, Alma)
As you’ve learned, people with BPD are lacking in many, if not most, of these interpersonal skills. The disorder garbles both incoming and outgoing messages, causing massive chaos and confusion. As an analogy, think of BPs as having “aural dyslexia,” in which they hear words and sentences backward, inside out, sideways, and devoid of context.
Of all the limitations imposed by borderline personality disorder, those involving communication are the most brutal because they can lead to impulsive aggression that can harm—even destroy—the close relationships people with BPD crave. Discord is inevitable; the way we manage it determines, in large part, the health of the relationship.
Even in the absence of aggression, poor communication can hinder BPs from making solid connections essential to authentic closeness and intimacy. As psychologist Bennett Pologe says, “A relationship is only as strong as the verbal and nonverbal communication between the partners. Everything else is secondary.”1
The Splitting-Shame-Fear Spiral
People with BPD process information differently than you do. Never forget that. When people with BPD see a threat—and threats lurk everywhere—their intense emotions hijack their brain, holding the logical parts hostage. Next, impulsivity growls, “Do something NOW!” like a drill sergeant hyped up on two pots of coffee. The splitting-shame-fear spiral instantly switches on to do the drill sergeant’s bidding and shapes BPs’ responses like Play-Doh being pressed through a mold into a star-shaped ribbon.
Shame crafts insults from general remarks, whips negative intent out of thin air, and twists innocent phrases into daggers. Fear of abandonment emerges like the black-robed Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, pointing a gaunt finger to a desolate future. Splitting turns shades of gray into stark black and white. Then impulsive aggression (the “border-lion,” pages 58–59) rakes its claws inward, outward, or both.
The key thing to keep in mind about the splitting-shame-fear spiral is that it usually comes out of nowhere, swirls you up, and flings you into the Land of Oz without so much as a forecast of bad weather. Untrained, you can’t see it. But with training and experience, you’ll be better prepared to sense it coming on and use the strategies in this chapter to keep it from forming, defuse it while it’s still small, obtain outside help, or get out of the way altogether.
Here’s what might have happened if Zak, Alma, and Jake had had BPD.
Fear Becomes Interpreted as Anger
Both anger and fear arouse the central nervous system in the same way—it’s that sinking feeling in the stomach and a quick beating of the heart. Normally, we rely on our thoughts to tell us whether we’re angry at someone or if we’re afraid of something they might say or do. But that takes logic, and logic has been beaten into submission by the powerful, pulsating amygdala.2
Also, some BPs—the higher-functioning invisible type, mostly—find it unnerving to acknowledge their fears, especially fear of abandonment. Fear brings up all kinds of uncomfortable doubts, questions, and memories. The focus turns to blame and past failures, which triggers more shame and splitting. Anger is a much easier out.
Fights Over “Nothing”
Have you and your family member ever had a major row over something insignificant or just plain stupid? This happens from time to time in all relationships, but it’s the norm when your loved one has BPD. Non-BPs frequently feel hounded about small trifles, and all-out fights can erupt over nothing—at least, nothing the non-BP can see.
On her Web site, Chris, a non-BP, lists fifty-five “acceptable reasons” her girlfriend had for yelling at her, including Chris using too much water in the tub, paying too much at the store, going through a yellow light, not shuffling cards right, objecting to a racist remark, and putting the wrong kind of olives on her salad.3
The real issues, of course, are much deeper. They aren’t new, though: they’re the same ones we’ve been discussing all along; things like splitting, control, shame, feeling invalidated and worthless, and lack of identity. They’re just disguised.
Control, for example, comes into play because people with BPD feel so wildly out of control of themselves. Therefore, they maintain a tight grip on their environment—and “the environment” includes you. When one non-BP visited his BP mother for a few days, she tried to control what he wore, what he ate, how he ate, when he exercised, and when he went to bed. He was fifty-two years old; she, seventy-three.
“Control is really about regulation. Emotional regulation, personal regulation, thought regulation and the ability to be centered and grounded within one’s self,” says recovered BP A. J. Mahari in her essay “BPD: The Power and Control Struggle.”4
Actions that come across as “intimidating, invalidating, self-absorbed and often abusive” (as Mahari puts it) are rooted in the belief that others are judging them in a negative way. The alternative to feeling helpless and out of control is to assert power over others. For the BP, the decision to control is subconscious.
Another issue is a combination of shame and lack of identity. With no solid sense of self, people with BPD live in outline, like a figure in a coloring book. And you wield the crayons and have the power to color them black (evil), totally black, or for-all-time black. With no way to hold a good image of themselves to counter what they see as your “all-bad” opinion of them, they resist with everything they have.
Psychotherapist Philip Chard says, “People without a solid sense of self are easily threatened by any competing versions of ‘the truth,’ and they often experience differences of opinion as a personal affront.”5
Many fights come about because of the phenomenon of feelings equal facts, which you read about in the chart on page 34. Additionally, your emotional edges may be quite tattered by walking on sharp eggshells with bare feet. It may not take much to push you over the edge, either.
Compensating for BPD Limitations
In the rest of this chapter, you will learn several approaches to improving communication with your family member. The approaches fall into three groups: (1) lay the groundwork, (2) prepare to communicate, and (3) use intentional communications. Of all the tools in your toolbox, this one will see the most use.
Higher-functioning invisible BPs may present wildly different communication challenges from lower-functioning conventional BPs. Some techniques are appropriate for both types; other techniques may be best reserved for one or the other. Keep in mind that no communication technique, no matter how good or how well executed, can completely overcome BPD “dyslexia.”
If you and your family member are in therapy, consider working on communication skills during your sessions. This setting is a great place to do so because therapists are well versed in these methods and might be able to persuade your family member into trying them, too. The therapist can also give you feedback and help keep conversations on track.
You need time, too, to make these techniques automatic. It’s hard to quell the urge to be defensive and respond in kind. Practice with friends in low-stress situations until you feel comfortable. Memorize phrases you like. When you’re conversing with others, pay close attention to the words they use, their body l
anguage, and the tone of their voice. Notice the feelings their communication evokes in you.
When you use these methods, track what seems to work and what doesn’t. Give things time. There are many variables, including your loved one’s mood, the topic at hand, and what’s going on in your relationship. You’ll find that other family members will pick up on what you’re doing—even the children. Give yourself plenty of praise and congratulate yourself for your efforts. You’re amazing!
Lay the Groundwork
Your state of mind and that of your family member impact the effectiveness of your communication.
Create a Climate of Cooperation
A climate of cooperation is one in which working for the common good—the relationship itself—is more important than who is right and who is wrong. This is the foundation upon which everything else lies. It is fundamental to finding win-win solutions and makes the relationship worth having in the first place.
Convincing your family member that her beliefs and perceptions are wrong may trigger the splitting-shame-fear spiral. Instead, advocate for the relationship itself, holding the position that the relationship will become stronger—and each of you is more likely to be ultimately satisfied with it—when you resolve to reduce conflict as a team. (Note that this is a climate of cooperation; in other words, the environment surrounding your discussions. In the next chapter, Power Tool 4: Set Limits with Love, we’ll build on this concept as it applies to specific limits.)
Remind yourself and your BP that you are experiencing these difficulties because you both care. The two of you want to find a way to get along, to be a team, and to be supportive of each other. At most, you want love and intimacy. At the very least, you want to be able to be in the same room without overt hostility.
Creating a climate of cooperation is challenging when each person is entrenched in his or her position and egos are at stake. This new climate doesn’t develop overnight. Yet, your work toward such a climate is powerful: you are demonstrating your commitment to the relationship and modeling behaviors you want your family member to emulate.
Reconsider Your Family Member’s “Authority”
The more authority someone has, the more likely his criticism and/or blame can hurt us. So it’s worthwhile to examine who has authority over us, and where they’re getting it from.
The word authority is defined as “The power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior.”6 Some people have authority because of their position, such as a supervisor or an elected official. Others have authority because of their expertise, such as a doctor or professor. Some have both.
Our family members, partners, and friends have a different kind of authority: “authority by relationship.” They may not know more than we do. Very few can control us against our will (unless the non-BP is a minor). Rather, we give them authority because we love them, respect them, and want to please them. Consider these examples:
• Miranda wants to please her parents. So she chooses a mate and career based on what they would like. Miranda thinks her parents have authority over her behavior, when in fact, she has unconsciously given the authority to them (perhaps because it was easier than going against their wishes).
• Henry thinks his wife, June, has no talent for financial matters. So he pays the bills, does the checkbook, and calculates their taxes. June always thought she was good at fiscal matters, but she defers to Henry. June has given Henry the authority to determine her feelings about her financial skills—perhaps because she’s not confident.
Reconsidering a family member’s authority means taking a close look at the way she influences your thoughts, opinions, and behavior and asking yourself some pointed questions:
• Where does the authority come from? If your parent has BPD, remind your adult self that she no longer has power over you unless you give it to her.
• Does your BP have the expertise to determine your qualities and traits? Could some of his perceptions about you be influenced by his disorder? (Hint: The answer to the second question is “You bet!”)
• Are you trying to please someone who just will not be pleased?
• Is it possible to show you care about someone without giving that person the authority to determine what you think, how you feel, and what you do?
Letting others determine your worth is always a dicey proposition. Letting someone determine your worth who has a disorder that, by definition, causes distorted perceptions of self and others, makes no more sense than some of your family member’s strangest accusations.
It’s key to sort this out in your mind before an interaction and then to come up with a way to remind yourself of this during the interaction. Following are some of the methods you might try:
• Beforehand, seek a higher authority (or more authorities). If your family member thinks you’re selfish, ask others if they hold the same opinion. If your self-esteem has taken a beating, or if you are an adult child, consider therapy.
• As you converse with your BP, use affirming self-talk to remind yourself that your family member is not as authoritative as he might seem. Think, She’s talking like this because she’s scared. This isn’t really about me. He may have a problem with such-and-such, but no one else seems to. She may have a high IQ, but her emotional intelligence is low. Give the authority to your inner voice, and it will become stronger.
• If you feel intimidated, picture the childlike aspects of your BP’s personality by imagining him dressed like a child, perhaps holding a toy. Right now, is he acting the part of the abandoned or abused child, or the angry and impulsive child (Chapter 3)? Humor works wonders. If picturing your loved one with a lollipop or baby bottle works for you, go ahead, feel free. There is a lot at stake.
Prepare to Communicate
In the rest of this chapter, you will learn a powerful communication system called the “Row Your Boat” system, so called because you can recall each segment by learning the following little ditty, which is sung to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
Breathe, breathe, safety first,
Acknowledge what you hear.
Don’t defend, delay instead,
Distract, defuse, or DEAR.
When you’re driving your car or waiting in the checkout lane at the grocery store, go through the lyrics until the song—and the system it refers to—are imprinted on to your brain.
Breathe, Breathe
When things start to get tense, your body releases chemicals that turn it into a “fight or flight” machine. Your breaths get short and shallow. When neither fighting nor flighting is a viable option, this biological stress response wreaks havoc on your body and mind. It becomes even more difficult to think straight.7
To counter this process, take long, deep breaths, as described on pages 142–144. Deep breathing will calm you down, help you concentrate, and give you a few extra seconds to think. To better understand how this works, close your eyes and visualize yourself in the middle of a typical crisis. Then take a slow, deep breath so that your stomach rises, not your chest.
You might even create your own “breathing room”—an imaginary place that’s safe and offers support. You can make the walls of your breathing room out of anything you want—thick brick if your family member is a rager, perhaps, and thin Plexiglas when you want to be close but also need to feel secure. You can build your room on the treetops of the jungle or underground in a bunker. You can invite your family member in for coffee or put a “do not disturb” sign on the door. Build as many rooms as you want—they’re free!
Safety First
The first rule for communicating with your family member is to know when it’s safe to communicate and when it’s not. According to Stop Walking on Eggshells, the greatest safety concerns are rage/verbal abuse, physical abuse, and threats of suicide.8
RAGE
One of the toughest challenges of having a family member with BPD is the annihilating raging. Jack says, “When my wife, Loreen, raged at me, I would
rage back. She called me names, so I called her names, too. We were both out of control. I hated who I was becoming because I’m actually a pretty even-tempered guy. It took awhile for me to learn how to stop getting caught up in her anger.” (See pages 196–197 for more of Jack and Loreen’s story.)
Inappropriate, frequent displays of temper can appear out of nowhere, which is what makes them so fearsome. Whether you spot the border-lion with your binoculars (preferred) or you’re staring at the jagged teeth close up (not preferred), gauge the intensity of your family member’s anger on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest. According to Christopher Bojrab, MD, people with BPD may be able to calm themselves down when the emotional level ranges from one to five. At six and above, without treatment, they may not be able to calm themselves down.9
If your family member is at a six or higher, visualize the emotional centers of his brain going ka-ching! ka-ching! ka-ching! like a slot machine spewing forth tokens. Your family member’s thoughts and feelings are warped, and what he’s saying makes about as much sense as throwing away your hard-earned money in games you know are designed to put your cash into the casino’s pocket.
Don’t listen to your family member berate you and call you names. Right now, he can’t see your point of view or think through the effects of his interactions with others. It’s not that he won’t; it’s that he can’t. Verbal abuse harms you: ongoing, repeated verbal assaults can be every bit as emotionally devastating as physical battering—especially when it is meted out by an intimate partner or by someone in a position of authority. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression are all tied to verbal abuse.10
Instead, bring the interaction to a temporary close. Say, “I will not discuss this any more if you continue to yell. I am willing to be supportive and listen if you can tell me what it is you want and need.” If the rage continues, leave immediately (or ask your family member to leave).