The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Page 19

  Gunderson and Berkowitz say that if you feel that there is some truth in what you’re hearing, admit it with a statement such as, “I think you’re on to something. I can see that I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry.” However, they say, be careful not to reward the yelling. Instead, say something like, “You have a point I want to talk about when things are calmer.” (As you gain more experience, you’ll get better at sensing what to do on the fly.)23

  This doesn’t mean it’s okay or that you should accept the anger, criticism, or blaming (as in, “I can’t help it—I have BPD!”). Your loved one is still responsible for recognizing she has a problem and managing her illness. What it does mean is that people with anorexia don’t eat enough, people with depression cry, people with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder are moody, and people with BPD yell.

  But you can take back some of your own power if you can recognize deep in your gut that your family member has a brain disorder defined, in part, by impulsive, excessive, and inappropriate anger. Let the words pass through you without doing damage to you by recognizing the splitting-shame-fear spiral for what it is, thereby robbing the border-lion of its power.

  Delay, Distract, Defuse, DEAR

  When you use these methods, avoid phrases that “point fingers” because they can trigger splitting, shame, and fear. While avoiding these phrases may not accurately describe what is happening, it helps you achieve your goal (remember, we’re using intentional communication).

  DELAY AND DISTRACT

  When emotions are high, the emotional part of your family member’s brain is planning a major coup. The border-lion is pacing in its cage, looking for a way out. If you can delay the proceedings in an empathic way—in other words, not come across as if you’re brushing your family member aside—there’s a chance you can help your BP rein in the impulsivity and emotionality. Distraction is especially helpful when you’re in the car and you can’t physically remove yourself from the situation. Here are some examples:

  • “I can see you’re upset and really want to talk about this right now. I want to be able to give you my full attention. But right now I’m so caught up in such-and-such. Can you wait (time interval here—even a few minutes can help)? Then I can listen to you without being distracted.” (This response is the gold standard.)

  • “I can’t talk about this now. Let’s chat after dinner.”

  • “I need to think about this. There’s a lot here, and I want to consider everything we’ve talked about up until now.”

  • “I know you want an answer right now, but I need time to think.”

  • (Come up with something the two of you need to do together so your loved one doesn’t feel abandoned.) “Let’s talk about it after we (go grocery shopping before it gets crowded, see a movie, take a walk, etc.).”

  • “Why don’t we sit down and talk about this? First, let me (get us a cup of coffee, change into my sweats, make a quick phone call).”

  • “Oh no! I just remembered I’ve got to (turn my cell phone on/off, pick up your child from school, put the soap in the dishwasher that’s just begun the cycle, put the shirt you’re wearing in the washing machine that’s already started).” (If it turns out you forgot to turn the dishwasher or washing machine on in the first place, it may not matter.)

  • “Hold on a minute while I (go to the bathroom, take an aspirin, put on a sweater, set up TiVo to record something, make a sandwich, or let the dog out).” Make it urgent so your BP doesn’t feel brushed aside: your headache is pounding, your TV show is about to start, you’re starving, and the dog is looking mighty anxious.

  • (If you can’t think of anything) “Hold on a minute.” (Then go somewhere and think of something to say when you get back. Needing to go to the bathroom is something no one can usually argue with—unless you’re already in the bathroom.)

  DEFUSE

  Use these noncombative statements that help you reach your goal and inject some reality into the situation. It’s critical that your tone of voice and body language be calm, reassuring, and open without being patronizing. Otherwise, some of these phrases could incite more conflict.

  You are the expert on yourself:

  • “I appreciate what you said, but what I mean is . . .”

  • “At the time my motivation was . . .”

  • “Actually, what I really feel/think is . . .”

  • “Maybe I’m not making myself clear. What I’m saying is . . .”

  • “Perhaps you misunderstood me.”

  Manage the conversation:

  • “Could we get back on the subject?”

  • “So-and-so doesn’t really have anything to do with this. Let’s talk about you and me.”

  • “Let’s discuss that at a later time. I’d like to keep the focus on . . .”

  • “I was hoping we could talk about this. I don’t see how we can resolve the situation if you won’t talk with me.”

  • “I’m willing to see if we can find a compromise and focus on . . . I’m not willing to bring up the entire issue of . . .”

  • “I’m not going to get in the middle of that. Now about you and me . . .”

  • Don’t let yourself be rushed into replying. If you’re not sure what to say, listen with an empathetic stance.

  Create a climate of cooperation:

  • “Maybe we can find a way to . . .”

  • “Maybe we can work together to . . .”

  • “What we do agree on is that . . .”

  • “Since we both care about each other . . .”

  • “We have a lot in common, like . . .”

  • “I hope we can . . .”

  • “I don’t think there are any villains here. We just have an honest disagreement.”

  Respond to unwarranted criticism or abusive statements. Assume the assertive nonverbal stance, discussed on pages 220–222. Use phrases like the ones below in a neutral tone of voice. Don’t preach. Calmly explain what you’re going to do if your BP keeps bullying you.

  • “I respect myself too much to listen to this, so I’m going to leave if this continues.”

  • “I won’t stand here and listen to you abuse/yell/attack me, so I’m going to leave if this continues.”

  • “No, I won’t tolerate that kind of language, so I’m going to leave if it continues.”

  • “No, I won’t allow you to speak to me in this way, so I’m going to leave if this continues.”

  • (Recognize that your family member has an opinion—and that you do, too.) “I’m hearing you say that . . . My own opinion is that . . .” (This phrase is especially useful.)

  • (State a limit) “Name-calling isn’t going to get us anywhere. If it continues, we’re going to have to talk at another time.” (More on this in the next chapter. The best-case scenario is that you’ve already set this limit when things are calm and told the person that you will leave the room if it happens again.)

  • Leave (see the discussion on safety on pages 174–177).

  DEAR

  DEAR is an acronym that stands for Describe, Express, Assert, and Reinforce. It’s mostly used to set limits, so you’ll be learning about it in the next chapter.

  Prepare and Practice

  Previously, you took your family member’s hurtful comments at face value, as if she were unaffected by a serious disorder. Recognizing this tendency in yourself as you read this book is easy. It’s harder to keep it in mind during an actual conversation.

  Previously is the keyword. Now, you’re going to do things differently, starting by anticipating conversations and preparing for them. As author Elizabeth B. Brown puts it, the secret to not being caught by dysfunctional behavior is to expect it.24 Here are some ways you can prepare.

  Desensitize Yourself

  Think back to previous conversations you and your family member have had. It’s likely that your BP will say the same kinds of things he’s said one hundred times before and you’ve heard one hundred times before. When you’r
e feeling safe, picture your family member saying them until the words become almost meaningless and lose the power they once had over you.

  Visualize

  Ice skaters going in to competitions never think about the last time they fell on the ice. They do the opposite: picture the routine just as they want it to go. Picture the conversation just as you want it to go, saying the right thing and using the right nonverbal communication techniques. Get a mental picture of how you’re going to feel once you’ve accomplished your communication goals.

  Practice

  Eventually, the techniques in this chapter will come to you automatically. In fact, family members see so many benefits to these methods that they start to use them with everyone. This can only happen with learning and practice.

  Read this chapter many times and investigate the other communication resources listed in the back of this book. Make flash cards and memorize phrases you like. Then, start using them in low-stress situations with other people. Role-play with a friend or use an empty chair to substitute for your BP.

  If you ever feel ambushed and forget what to do and say, remember these four key points:

  • Breathe deeply.

  • Stay safe. Leave or call for help if necessary.

  • Keep your eyes soft and steady. Relax your face and mirror your BP’s body position. Keep your arms uncrossed.

  • Actively listen and empathically acknowledge the person’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with his or her words. Keep your tone of voice neutral.

  25

  One Mother’s Communication Method

  Sharon, who maintains the online group NUTS (parents Needing Understanding, Tenderness, and Support to help their child with borderline personality disorder) has a twenty-nine-year-old daughter, Amanda. Amanda was diagnosed with BPD at age thirteen, when she was hospitalized for hiring gang members to kill Sharon and her husband.

  Over the years, Sharon and Amanda have developed a communication system that compensates for the deficits caused by the disorder. It helps avoid emotional outbursts, allows for better problem solving, and even deepens their relationship.

  Sharon says, “When I have to bring up a serious topic, the first thing I do is ask Amanda what kind of mood she is in. If it’s a good time to talk, I prepare her by saying something like, ‘Amanda, I need to talk to you about something. It may be upsetting to you.’ That also helps her identify her feelings.”

  Other introductory phrases Sharon uses include

  • “This might sound invalidating, but it isn’t meant to be.”

  • “This might hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry. But it’s best in the long term if we keep the lines of communication open.”

  • “Something didn’t feel right the other day, and I’d like to talk about it so that we aren’t misunderstanding each other.”

  • “I know this is bad news, but in the long run, things are going to work out okay.”

  Next, Sharon uses “I” statements when describing the problem:

  • “I’m feeling overwhelmed by this conversation. I’m going to take a walk and calm myself down.”

  • “If I understand right, I feel like I’m being blamed for something I feel I didn’t do.”

  • “I can somewhat understand what you’re feeling, but it isn’t something I am able to change.”

  When Amanda describes her feelings, Sharon makes empathetic statements:

  • “I can see why you might have thought that. (Pause to let the validation sink in.) However . . .”

  • “I probably would have felt the same if I were in your shoes. (Pause.) Yet from the outside looking in, I saw . . .”

  • “I remember feeling hurt when that happened to me. How does it make you feel?”

  Sharon says, “If I see Amanda losing control of her emotions, I’ll say something like, ‘Let’s do something else for a while so that we can let this all settle in. Then we’ll talk some more.’ This gives Amanda a chance to try to calm down her emotions, time to think the situation through, and hopefully not act impulsively.

  “Sometimes it works better if we talk while we’re busy with something else. That takes some of the pressure out of the picture. Or, if possible, we’ll talk more about the subject another day.”

  Amanda, like most BPs, needs a lot of reassurance and soothing statements. Even after Sharon thinks a problem is resolved, it often is still not settled for Amanda. “With all her emotions swirling around, sometimes she isn’t able to listen carefully enough.”

  It has taken many years for Sharon and her daughter to develop this system. Amanda has also learned some communication techniques from dialectical behavior therapy.

  As a leader of a support group, though, Sharon believes these techniques could work well for others. “It just probably wouldn’t go as smoothly until both parties learn how to do it and it becomes a natural way of communicating,” she says. “Eventually, though, it will be. That is how it happened with us.”26

  Chapter 10

  Power Tool 4:

  Set Limits with Love

  Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

  • Martin Luther King Jr. •

  When members of the Facing the Facts message board (BPDFamily.com) were asked, “What happened the last time you tried to set limits with your family member?” the majority told tales such as these:

  • “I told my borderline boyfriend he didn’t understand my perspective; he told me I didn’t understand his. It went in circles endlessly. He weaves magical webs with his words. Nobody is exempt from his super powers.”

  • “She accused me of being controlling and telling her what to do.”

  • “She has a sometimes subtle and sometimes blatant way of making me feel guilty.”

  • “He made it seem as though he was being my savior through all this, and at the end I apologized.”

  Some non-BP partners reported that they ended their relationship with their loved one when, after many years, they were forced to acknowledge their partner was never going to respect their boundaries.

  But another group of respondents said that after a long period of testing, their BPs began to observe their limits. Message board members who thought they would have to break off contact were able to start rebuilding trust and intimacy.

  Take Jack and his borderline wife, Loreen, for example. Loreen is an alcoholic with a history of suicide attempts. At the time Jack decided to start setting limits, she was under the care of a psychiatrist and taking medications. Jack was also seeing a therapist, who helped him put some limits in place after not having any for many years. Jack says:

  Loreen’s rages were uncontrollable. She would go from zero to ten over almost anything. Once I went on a business trip and she shouted, “I hope you come back in a body bag.” She called me names and said things like, “You’ve destroyed my confidence in myself,” and “You’re making me drink because being drunk is the only way I can deal with you.”

  She threatened suicide all the time, yelling, “You probably want me to kill myself. So maybe I’ll just do it, and it will be your fault.” I was always on edge, afraid of saying the wrong thing. Things got worse and worse.

  After I started talking to other family members online, I realized two things: First, I was going to have to get strong and stay strong because this was really tearing me apart. And second, I had to start re-establishing boundaries.

  One day I found her on the floor after another suicide attempt. The ambulance came, and they were trying to revive her. It hit me that even though I had been trying not to offend her for years, she was still suicidal and drinking. Whatever I was doing wasn’t working. I was scared.

  My therapist explained that her actions were out of my control. That was a harsh thing to hear. Living like this was going to kill me. So I decided to try boundaries. I had nothing to lose.

  I told her, “What we’re doing isn’t working, and things are going to have to change around he
re.” I said if she started raging and calling me names, I was going to leave and pick up the conversation at a different time. That sounds simple, but it wasn’t. It just fired her up, made things ten times worse. She screamed that I was a control freak and that’s why she was so sick.

  But I was prepared. I had convinced myself ahead of time that leaving was the best course of action. It helped that members of her family had told me I had been giving in to her for years and I needed to be firm.

  I ended up leaving the house several times. I just said, “I just can’t be here with you,” and walked out the door. Sometimes I stayed away for a day or two. She called me, asked when I was coming home. I said, “I honestly don’t know. I’ve assessed my life and decided that things have to get better because this is destroying me.” She knows I am loyal and I would never walk away if there had been any other choice.

  Eventually, it started to sink in to her that I was serious. Finally, one day she called me and apologized. This was the first time she had ever said she was sorry for anything. I just about fell off the chair. That’s when I started to realize this boundary thing was working. And it did. It took time, but it got better.

  She even started apologizing more, saying things like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that,” or “I know I reacted badly to that.” She was starting to feel responsible for her actions.

  Finally, we got to a place where we could have a real heart-to-heart talk, and I could say, “This bothers me a lot.” I had been afraid to do that because she was so volatile. She really started listening to me.

  I learned you have to take care of yourself, because BPD is like an incredibly powerful vacuum that will just suck you in, whoever you are. Setting boundaries was a way of saying, “I care about our relationship. If this keeps happening, I can’t stay, and I want our relationship to continue.”