The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Page 20

  You have to be willing to accept that things will get worse before they get better. But it may be the only chance you have.1

  Anecdotal evidence from Welcome to Oz and BPDFamily.com over the past eighteen years, representing some 100,000 members, has shown again and again that setting limits and following through with them is a powerful thing a family member can do to help people with BPD gain control over their behavior, as Loreen did, thereby repairing and improving the relationship. Just as limits help save lives in some therapy programs (such as clients in DBT who have to rate the intensity of suicidal thoughts, if any, on daily diary cards), limits save relationships—especially chosen relationships (such as partners or friends).

  What Is a Limit?

  When you hear the words boundaries or limits, the first thing that probably comes to mind is what you will and will not “allow people to do.” For example, you might tell your friends not to call you after 9 p.m. These kinds of limits are like traffic signs or borders around states or countries. Most of this chapter is dedicated to these types of “observable” limits.

  Other limits have to do with our mental and emotional selves and are less observable. We’re programmed with the general drive to be close and connected to others and to please them. This helps us function in families and societies. But at the same time, we yearn to be who we are, not what other people want us to be. We need space and independence.

  A healthy equilibrium between pleasing ourselves and pleasing others, and being who we are versus what other people want us to be, is fundamental to the health of any relationship. The following chart by sociologist Donna R. Bellafiore illustrates the difference between healthy, balanced relationships and unhealthy, unbalanced relationships.2

  Why Limits Are Important

  Limits are a necessary ingredient to your relationship for three reasons—the health of you, of the relationship, and of your family member.

  To You

  In their book Better Boundaries, authors Jan Black and Greg Enns explain that establishing limits in relationships can very quickly raise our life experiences to a new level of competency and joy. Limits, they say, protect us from being or feeling “controlled, manipulated, ‘fixed,’ misunderstood, abused, discounted, demeaned, or wrongly judged.”

  According to the authors, limits form an identifiable shape around our beliefs and preferences. They bring order to our lives: without them, we become overwhelmed with the demands of others and are tempted by “sirens of opportunity” to do things that steer us off course. In this way, limits are our values in action, free from anyone else’s control or influence.3

  Jack’s limits kept him safe from the border-lion—not by caging or controlling it, but by putting a protective circle around him that his wife’s border-lion couldn’t penetrate. Jack took care of Jack, and he let Loreen take care of Loreen. She could decide to gain control of herself and have her husband around, or she could call him names and be by herself.

  To the Relationship

  Limits are an important element of a relationship’s foundation. Limits ensure mutual respect and create safety. When limits are honored, each party becomes more willing to share his or her genuine self, giving acceptance and trust the chance to take root. Trust leads to comfortableness, intimacy, joy, and feelings of connection—all those things that people with BPD want so badly.

  Without limits, relationships can become chaotic, unstable, and hostile. People close up and develop walls and defenses—all things that thwart trusting connections. In other words, as much as BPs dislike limits, limits lead to the close connections they crave.

  To Your Borderline Family Member

  Limits also help your family member because the outside world—bosses, the court system, schools, the IRS—will set limits for her, whether she’s ready or not. It’s unlikely that others will have the patience and understanding of the disorder that close family members have.

  Second, according to DBT psychologist Dr. Debra Resnick, people with BPD do better in structured environments. “Borderline individuals don’t have well-established boundaries,” she says. “They may rail against limits, but usually they benefit from them. This is one reason why most people with BPD benefit from hospitalization.” Jack sensed something similar about his wife, Loreen. “She reacted vehemently to limits, but I got the feeling that deep down she knew she needed them.”

  Some people with the disorder feel shame and remorse when they hurt someone they love. “Many of my patients know they’ve lost control and feel very bad about it,” Resnick says. “If their [non-BP] family member can avoid fueling the rage, there is a chance the borderline individual may be more mindful that their anger is likely disproportionate to the situation. That may allow them to regain control of their emotions.”4

  Properties of Limits

  The best way to get a good grasp on limits is to discuss them concretely, not in the abstract. Therefore, we will be referring to the following exercise throughout this chapter. Please work through the exercise as you read it to achieve the maximum benefits.

  The “Gnome Home” Exercise

  For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll assume that you and your BP live together, merge your incomes, and jointly pay expenses. (If you live separately, pick one of your abodes and come up with a pretend income. The specifics don’t matter; just make a choice and stick to it.)

  One day, your BP decides to start collecting garden gnomes. He buys gnomes of all types and in a variety of sizes and styles, including Santa gnomes, bearded gnomes, clean-shaven gnomes, reclining gnomes, and nearly naked gnomes.

  Gradually, the hobby becomes problematic. It’s becoming expensive, and you need the money for other things. There’s a space problem, too: The gnomes are sprawling out into the yard, leaving no room for other uses (such as an actual garden). If you live in an apartment, you’ve run out of places to display and store them.

  Your neighbors are angry about the traffic generated by people driving in to gawk at the “Gnome Home.” Finally, each time you mow the lawn, many of the gnomes need to be moved. (Or, your landlord and neighbors are complaining because your BP is using someone else’s storage compartment in the basement.)

  Now, using the home and income you decided on at the beginning of this exercise, answer the following questions:

  • What do you believe is a reasonable amount of money to spend on the gnomes per year?

  • What do you believe is a reasonable amount of space to dedicate to gnomes, keeping in mind the pressure from the neighbors?

  • Who should move the gnomes when it’s time to mow, clean them, or otherwise maintain their cheery little faces?

  Have a good idea of what you really want and what you need because your answers will become the limits you will be setting. When you finish this exercise, please come back to this book.

  Limit Property #1

  Most likely, you found it difficult to come up with your answers because there are so many variables, including obvious ones like income and living space. Chances are that if you were doing this exercise with a roomful of people, each of you would come up with a different set of limits. And that is the point of limit property #1:

  Your limits emerge from a variety of factors unique to you. You own them just like you own your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

  While this may seem obvious, it’s not. Most people believe that there is one standard that should apply to everyone, and most arguments are about divining what that standard is. Take a look at your local newspaper. You probably have an advice column that goes something like this:

  Dear Advice Columnist:

  My son’s best friend, who is sixteen, eats over at our house all the time. But he’s big—he plays football—and it’s getting expensive. My husband says just “eat” the cost, so to speak. I think it’s too much to have us fill in where the high school cafeteria stops. Who is right? Me or my husband?

  Signed,

  Fed Up

  Fed Up assumes th
at advice columnist sits atop the Temple of Truth, who has the special ability to divine who is “right” and who is “wrong.” If the anointed columnist says that Fed Up is wrong, Fed Up should back down and cook for four instead of three.

  But will that fix the problem? Will Fed Up immediately go out and buy steaks for the grill, bake fresh homemade biscuits, and make chocolate-covered strawberries for dessert? Will Fed Up feel less resentful toward her husband and possibly her son and the son’s friend?

  No!

  Emily Post and the Ten Commandments aside, there is no Temple of Truth, no anointed standard bearer. This family dispute is, essentially, another garden gnome exercise. How much does the food cost? Does Fed Up have enough space in the refrigerator for the extra food? And who is doing the dirty work—shopping, cooking, and dishes? (Most likely, the answer to question number 3 is Fed Up, which, over time, could develop into bitterness.)

  Likewise, if your family member says that your limits are wrong or unreasonable, he is speaking about what is right and true for him, not you. You are your own Temple of Truth. You live and deal with the difficulty every day, be it dirty gnomes or dirty dishes. Your limits are your own. And your very first limit is that you have the inalienable right to set limits.

  Limit Property #2

  Now think about the process you went through to come up with your limits in the gnome home exercise.

  • Did you develop them based on what one person wanted, or did you try to balance everyone’s needs and desires?

  • Was your intention to hurt, punish, or control or to develop a plan that made the most sense based on all the competing factors?

  Most non-BPs err on the side of trying to take care of everyone but themselves. It never occurs to them that they can say “no” or that their wants and needs are just as significant as those of everyone else.

  This leads us to limit property #2:

  Your limits are for you and about you, not against others. They are about respect: respect for yourself, respect for others, and respect for the relationship.

  People with BPD sometimes see other people’s limits as a personal affront, something designed to punish or control them. That’s because they feel punished and controlled, and for them, feelings equal facts. Naturally, you’ll have discussions and try to come up with solutions that benefit everyone. But compromise because you want to, not because your feelings are “wrong” or unimportant. (This is why you need to know what you want and what you need.)

  Limit Property #3

  Some people completing the exercise feel strongly about some of their limits, but not others. Perhaps cost is a major issue, but mowing isn’t a big deal. Some people highly value a fashionably decorated home in their own personal style (French country, traditional); others are quite happy with college freshman décor (with or without empty pizza boxes).

  This leads us to limit property #3:

  Different people have different boundary styles, and boundaries have different aspects.

  According to Jane Adams, author of Boundary Issues, boundaries vary in three ways:

  1. Their permeability, or how thick or thin they are.

  2. Their flexibility, or how variable they are.

  3. Their complexity, or how intricate and interconnected they are.

  These qualities may vary from situation to situation. But in general, we each have our own boundary style, which is an interplay between these three factors. Some individuals have rigid boundaries. One gnome over the line and they’re biting their nails. Other folks are more flexible; the gnomes need to be falling into the cat’s litter box before they take much notice.

  Not surprisingly, some higher-functioning invisible BPs are quite rigid about their limits, while some non-BPs (particularly friends or those in intimate relationships with BPs) tend to fall on the weak, flexible side—sometimes too-flexible side. Non-BPs’ limits also have a tendency to be too permeable (thin), meaning they let everything in. As a result, they feel inundated and overwhelmed.

  When people with large boundary style differences are paired, conflict is nearly inevitable. Adams says, “Boundary differences are often the cause of friction, discontent, or problems in relationships, although they often masquerade as something else—fights over money, the kids, the in-laws, the deadline, the broken promise, or forgotten occasion.”5

  Three Keys to Setting Limits

  Most books discuss limit setting as if it were an event instead of a process. Setting limits has to do with mental preparation and planning. The three keys to mental preparation are

  • steering clear of FOG: fear, obligation, and guilt (an acronym coined by Susan Forward in her excellent book Emotional Blackmail)

  • trusting your own perceptions, feelings, and opinions—most significantly, those about yourself

  • refusing to rescue your family member from your limits, which gives mixed messages

  Steering Clear of the FOG

  In chapter 8, Power Tool 2: Uncover What Keeps You Feeling Stuck, we discussed FOG in the context of the relationship. FOG also comes up like little wisps of smoke during limit-setting conversations. If you don’t prepare for it, it can blur your vision and make it hard to see and remember what you want and need. The next few pages will show you how to prevent FOG from sabotaging your convictions about the limits you must set to make this relationship work (or make your situation bearable).

  Fear of Losing the Relationship

  There are many different kinds of fears. Most of them can be approached using the Carnegie problem-solving methods described on pages 134–135. The fear we will deal with here is fear of losing the relationship.

  Family members say that underneath the disorder, their loved one is a great person. Common adjectives members use to describe their BP include bright, funny, compassionate, loving, and beautiful. It’s very hard to accept that their loved one’s borderline behaviors aren’t isolated anomalies, but a central part of who he is.

  To keep themselves safe from their loved one’s erratic and often abusive behaviors, family members give in on issues they actually feel strongly about. The BP’s emotional blow-up acts as a punishment; the non-BP giving in to prevent the punishment acts as a powerful reward. Over time, non-BPs have let their limits slide so far they can no longer be seen with the naked eye.

  Psychotherapist Beverly Engel explains how limits disappear. She says:

  Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will and will not tolerate from a partner. But as the relationship progresses, we tend to move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. . . . [Individuals] begin tolerating unacceptable and even abusive behavior, and then convince themselves that these behaviors are normal, acceptable, [and deserved].6

  Maura, like many non-BPs, is boxed in. She knows just what will happen if she makes any demands on her boyfriend, Fred. When she says she needs time alone or time with her friends, he says he’ll leave her. Not only leave her, but make her life miserable by spreading rumors and lies about her to their friends.

  Her family and friends tell her the relationship isn’t healthy and that Fred has problems. But she is terribly afraid of losing Fred and wishes that others could see what a wonderful person he is underneath it all. If she can just settle Fred down and not make waves, things will be fine.

  Signs of abuse include dictating how others should live; isolating them from family and friends; controlling money or other resources; blaming those they mistreat for the mistreatment; being overly jealous and possessive; or pushing, grabbing, hitting, kicking, punching, or throwing objects.

  If this describes your family member, you may think that by remaining silent, you are “helping” this person or “saving” the relationship. This is untrue. Both of you need help immediately from experienced mental health professionals. Reread the section on the Stockholm Syndrome on pages 149–150. Call someone who cares about you or a domestic violenc
e hotline. Men and parents can be abused, too. If you don’t seek help, the consequences could be tragic.

  Obligation and Guilt

  Yeardley just knows that her borderline sister is going to ruin her wedding. “You have to ask your sister to be your maid of honor,” their mother insisted. Yeardley had wanted her best friend in that role, but she gave in to her mother’s wishes. It’s been like this her whole life—she always receives love and praise from her parents when she “does her duty” by her sister.

  Suzanne Roberts, author of Coping in New Territory: The Handbook for Adult Children of Aging Parents, says, “We rarely, if ever, set boundaries with our families, yet we’re confounded when they seem to have the ability to turn our lives around on a dime. We appear to be perfectly happy to gift wrap our lives and give them to the first family member who asks.”

  Roberts says we don’t set adequate boundaries with family members for two reasons: self-induced guilt and the fear of what people will think. She says:

  I don’t believe we even consider that we have a right to set boundaries with family—after all they’re family. In actuality, we not only have the right, we have the responsibility to allow our family members to be subject to the same criteria as anyone else on the planet.

  To the people who stomp on our boundaries, demanding more of us than we can give, we may appear to be selfish. But it’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Not only that, people with no boundaries, who function with knee-jerk reactions to every demand, are too tired, angry, and resentful to be kind and loving.7

  Feelings of guilt and obligation are common when they set limits, say members of BPDFamily.com. Here are some examples:

  • “She said my limits about having my own money meant I didn’t love her or take our marriage seriously.”

  • “She said, ‘How can you do this to your own mother? What kind of a son are you?’”

  • “She accused me of being like her terrible ex-husbands.”

  FOG is “penetrating, disorienting, and obscures everything but the pounding discomfort it produces,” says Susan Forward, author of Emotional Blackmail. The pressure is so uncomfortable, we give in as quickly and as automatically as we would put our hands over our ears when a siren shrieks past.8