The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Page 21

  Once the FOG button works, BPs will press it again and again. One family member summed up this dynamic beautifully: “When I try to set limits, my BP keeps at me until I give up, even if it takes hours. It is much easier to give in within the first thirty seconds.”

  Forward says that one of the most powerful techniques people can use to cut through the FOG is to say, “I CAN STAND IT” repeatedly. This puts a new message into the conscious and unconscious mind. When thinking about taking steps to end the blackmail, breathe deeply and say, “I can stand it,” at least ten times. The rewards are worth enduring someone getting upset. At a minimum, the rewards are increased self-confidence and a sense of mastery over life.9

  Trust Your Perceptions, Feelings, and Opinions

  Does wanting to go on a vacation with just your husband, and not his extended family, qualify as abuse? It does according to Ralph, says his non-BP wife, Ann. She says:

  When I asked him if we could go somewhere by ourselves, he got upset and said, “You know how much my family means to me. Why do you do this to me? I can’t believe that you’re abusing me like this!”

  After a while of him saying this again and again, I began to question myself. It took such a toll on me I started going to counseling. I told the counselor, “Either I’m living with somebody who is very out of control, or I just don’t see myself correctly. I need to figure out which of those it is.”

  In Stop Walking on Eggshells, therapist Elyce Benham explains that when someone constantly undermines what we know or believe about ourselves, the faith we have in ourselves starts to shake. A type of “brainwashing” takes place.

  “The techniques of brainwashing are simple,” she says. “Isolate the victim, expose them to consistent messages, mix with sleep deprivation, add some form of abuse, get the person to doubt what they know and feel, keep them on their toes, wear them down, and stir well.”10

  To get its way, the border-lion will goad your family member into making negative and inaccurate judgments about who you are, what you value, what your motivations are, and what kind of personality you have. Nearly every family member on Welcome to Oz and BPDFamily.com have been called selfish and controlling when they set limits. Many have been called worse.

  The word selfish is loathsome for most non-BPs. They gain self-worth from being needed and making sacrifices, and being called “selfish” is the worst crime imaginable. They’ve learned, “When in doubt, don’t disagree, don’t have needs, don’t have opinions, and, above all, never say ‘no.’”

  Before you can comfortably express your needs, you must believe you have a legitimate right to have those needs. You have the right to your own beliefs, even if they are different from your family member’s. You have the right to make mistakes, to act illogically, and to not have to explain yourself. You also have the right to like yourself even though you’re not perfect.

  In I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better, authors Gary and Joy Lundberg say, “Who you are is who you choose to be. When you have a strong belief system based on what you’ve learned, studied, and experienced, then you have developed a model of life that is used to evaluate everything you come into contact with. You can hear another viewpoint and evaluate it on its merits and ask the question, ‘Is this right for me?’ Because you are comfortable with yourself and your own value system, you can listen and learn, and accept or reject what other people say or do.”11

  Stop Rescuing Your BP from Your Limits

  Recall the Karpman Triangle on page 63 (you may wish to reread this page before going further). It is an explanation of the patterns that family members get into again and again. During disputes, different family members alternate playing the roles of victim, persecutor (who bullies the victim), and rescuer (who saves the victim). Two people can play, too, switching off roles.

  When non-BPs set limits, BPs put themselves in the role of victim and their family member in the role of persecutor, saying something like, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. You are so selfish and controlling!” Then, under pressure, the family member rescinds the limit or acts in a way that makes it meaningless (for example, doesn’t establish consequences for stepping over the line).

  Once a family member becomes rescuer, a major shift occurs. He moves on the triangle from the lower right position (the persecutor) to the top of the triangle (the rescuer). Unknowingly, he has sabotaged his own limit. Now he’s the victim, and his BP is the persecutor.

  Dr. Blaise Aguirre, medical director of the Adolescent DBT Center at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, says:

  For parents, the guilt swings back and forth between two poles. First, they get frustrated and angry at their child’s behavior. They feel invalidated and manipulated—especially if they haven’t been taking care of themselves like they should.

  Then, when the child is desperate, feeling worthless, suicidal, and self-injurious, they become terrified. They go into caretaking mode and place their child in the hospital. After a short while, the child apologizes and says she’s learned her lesson. The parents then rescue their child by taking her out of treatment. Their guilt diminishes. Then three months later, the child is acting out again, and the cycle keeps repeating.12

  Limit Property #4

  This next limit property is one of the most important concepts in this entire book:

  You stop being a victim by taking responsibility for your limits. You avoid being a persecutor by letting your borderline family member take responsibility for how he reacts to your limits. By eliminating yourself as victim and persecutor, you give your family member the opportunity to be accountable for his own emotions and actions—in other words, to rescue himself.

  The concept of owning your decisions is so powerful it can transform not only your relationship but your life as a whole. While you may not be able to change some circumstances you find yourself in, you can begin to appreciate that you have a variety of choices about how to react, emotionally and otherwise.

  Allowing your BP to take responsibility for her choices is easier said than done, especially for family members of lower-functioning conventional BPs. They must try to sort out what their family member can’t do and what he can do (but wishes he didn’t have to do).

  Psychiatrist John G. Gunderson, one of the foremost experts on BPD, says that people who set limits can help motivate their borderline family member to take on greater responsibility and have appropriate limits within herself. He and coauthor Cynthia Berkowitz say:

  [Although BPD can take] an emotional and financial toll to the individual and the family . . . do not protect [borderline individuals] from the natural consequences of their actions. Allow them to learn about reality. Bumping into a few walls is usually necessary.

  [When family members rescue the borderline individual from his or her own behavior], the results . . . are complex. First and foremost, the troublesome behavior is likely to persist because it has cost no price or has brought the individual some kind of reward. Second, the family members are likely to become enraged because they resent having sacrificed integrity, money, and good will in their efforts to be protective. In this case, tensions in the home mount even though the hope of the protective measures was to prevent tension.

  Meanwhile, the anger may be rewarding on some level to the individual because it makes her the focus of attention, even if that attention is negative. Third, the individual may begin to show these behaviors outside of the family and face greater harm and loss in the real world than she would have faced in the family setting. Thus, the attempt to protect leaves the individual unprepared for the real world.13

  Planning for Limit-Setting Discussions

  Setting limits will very likely stir up the splitting-shame-fear spiral. Therefore, it’s imperative that you create a plan that will act as a road map and safety net. Each of the following five “Cs” is a component of the plan:

  • Clarify.

  • Calculate costs.

  • Come up with consequenc
es.

  • Create a consensus.

  • Consider possible outcomes.

  Clarify Your Limits

  Think about the limits you would like to set. Although you will pick something small to begin with, try brainstorming with others and get everything out on the table. (Other people frequently see options that non-BPs don’t.) Look through this book or others like it to give you ideas. If you have a higher-functioning invisible BP, questions like these can get you started:

  • What subjects do I try to avoid?

  • What is best for my life, long and short term?

  • What is best for those in my care?

  • What do I want in this relationship?

  • What do I need in this relationship?

  • What makes me feel safe?

  • What makes me feel angry?

  If you have a lower-functioning conventional BP, you may wish to take the problem-solving approach discussed in the sidebar “Limits and Your Borderline Child” later in this chapter.

  Perry Hoffman says, “Your limits may be less about what you expect the other person to do and more about what you are willing to accept. Decide what you’re willing to tolerate and then put it in a plan. For example, a mother who was attacked by her daughter required that the daughter be in treatment to keep receiving rent money. Or, if her daughter destroyed something, then the mother would not be willing to drive her daughter to her friend’s house.”14

  Some parents report that they have a tendency to do too much for their children. Trial and error can help you determine what lower-functioning conventional BPs can and can’t do for themselves.

  One parent says, “My wife and I did a lot of soul searching about whether we should swoop in and insert ourselves into her business. We decided that some areas were off limits, like school, job hunting, and making doctor appointments. As a result, she started exhibiting more independence in those areas. We learned that when we did meddle, if something went wrong it was going to be all our fault.”

  As you plan, leave room for negotiation. Freda Friedman, PhD, a therapist whose primary focus is BPD, says, “Sometimes two people have to negotiate their differing limits. This may mean that each one has to give a little at times and try to validate where the other is coming from.”15

  Calculate the Costs

  We are so busy living our day-to-day lives that we don’t keep very good track of the things that gnaw at us. When faced with a problem we can’t solve, we ignore it and hope it will go away. Or, we use problem-solving methods that never worked before, just in case of a miracle.

  Then, a crisis occurs, or our situation deteriorates to a point where old coping techniques don’t work anymore. Ruefully, we conclude, “Uh-oh, I shouldn’t have ignored this. This cost me more than I thought it would. I wish I had been paying more attention, or really thought this through earlier. Perhaps I would have made different choices.”

  The gnome home exercise forced you to look at a problem that needed limits and to make some decisions. But in real life, we tend to let things go on. We wait for the proverbial last straw or a cataclysmic event to make us focus. Non-BPs seem to delay limit setting until their very survival is at stake.

  Jack, whom you met earlier in the chapter, waited to set limits until he was in survival mode. He says, “Because of Loreen’s name-calling, I started to feel totally incompetent at work. This was disheartening because it had always been the one thing I was confident about. I started to realize I didn’t like myself anymore. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be.”

  This leads us to another limit property that involves time.

  Limit Property #5

  To maintain your limits over the long haul, you need to have conviction that the limit is necessary and appropriate. Conviction comes when you know how much it costs not to have the limit in place. The longer you wait, the more it costs.

  Jack waited to set limits until his survival was at stake. But you don’t have to! Ask yourself how much not having limits in central areas of your life is costing you right now. What about in the future? You might look at actual costs, say, of giving money to a child, or the costs in stress, amount of time spent, pleasures you’ve had to forgo, opportunity costs, and so on.

  Come Up with Consequences

  Virginia, a member of BPDFamily.com, says, “Boundaries don’t work. I mean, what can I do? Am I supposed to leave the house each time my husband breaks the boundary? Well, I tried that. It didn’t work. I suppose I could have left the house and stayed with a friend each time he broke one. But then, I would have ended up living with my friend most of the time!”

  Limits without consequences is known as nagging. This means that yes, Virginia does have to leave the house (or have some other consequence) when her husband doesn’t observe her limits. The fact that limits have consequences is not a value judgment. It is not even a statement about people with BPD. It is about human nature and the fact that human beings tend to repeat actions that are rewarding and avoid actions that are unpleasant. (More about that in the next chapter.)

  Earlier, you learned that in healthy relationships limits are in balance between our drive to be connected (please others) and our drive to be independent (please ourselves). You also found out that non-BPs tend to have boundaries that are too weak and too thin. Modifying your boundary style, or “changing the baseline” of what you will and won’t accept, can bring a healthier balance to the relationship.

  Sheila could tolerate many things. But not everything. She says, “In the fourteen years we were married, my husband, Ryan, crossed most of my boundaries. But I had two laid in stone—he couldn’t be unfaithful, and he couldn’t try to hit me or do anything physical. To my knowledge, he never did either.”

  Is it coincidental that Ryan crossed everything but those two limits? What would have happened had Sheila had a third, fourth, or fifth limit he dare not cross? And what if the consequences of those additional limits were not so drastic, all or nothing, but graduated?

  Changing your baseline means changing the parameters of what you will or will not tolerate or accept. Even if these are unstated, the people who know you best know just how far to push before you push back. Sheila’s baseline is set at “Do anything but hit me or be unfaithful,” and there’s a good chance Ryan was able to refrain from doing these two things because of it, whether on a conscious or unconscious level.

  Another example: Bert and Nan love to play right before dinner. Their mother calls them in to supper every night at 5:30. But Bert and Nan are no fools. They know that Mom will yell again in another five minutes with a note of irritation in her voice. A couple of minutes after the second call, she’ll call one last time threatening them with no TV that night. That’s when they head home, looking forward to their favorite TV programs.

  Mary, their mother, is sick to death of this hassle. It frustrates and irritates her. If Mary sat down and thought about it, she might realize that she doesn’t take TV privileges away because the kids would complain and aggravate her even further. She doesn’t realize her baseline is set at 5:45 p.m.

  Changing your baseline will require some soul searching and decision making. Make sure you’re being realistic. You might even keep a daily journal to remind yourself of the costs to keep you motivated. Keep in mind you’re coming up with consequences for you and the relationship, not against your family member. And finally, remember that these limits are unique to you. You don’t need to justify them to anyone.

  Create a Consensus

  Everyone in the house needs to be on the same page—including siblings. An experienced parent on BPDFamily.com observes, “This division between the parents is as big as the Grand Canyon when a child plays on the sympathies of the softer parent to get his or her way. Parents who are not united will have marriage problems. It also exacerbates the splitting behavior.”

  Consider Possible Outcomes

  Universally, family members who set limits find that their BP’s actions get worse before they
get better. These actions are designed to restore things back to the way they were. They can start small, with mild disagreement, and work up to threats and enlisting allies to pressure you. This is a normal response to limits; we all do it. With people who have BPD, however, it is more intense.

  In Stop Walking on Eggshells, the authors explain, “When you assertively redirect the pain back to the BP so they can begin to deal with it, you are breaking a contract you didn’t know you signed. Naturally, the BP will find this distressing . . . Your ability to withstand these countermoves will determine the future course of your relationship.”

  In the past, you probably weren’t expecting this. Now, you can plan for it. Your first step is to get out of deer-in-the-headlights mode. Untangle any threats and fears and consider each one in a logical manner using the Carnegie problem-solving process outlined in Chapter 7.

  Consider all the possible outcomes and prepare for them. Ask friends to help you think things through and give you support. Signs that you may need help from a mental health professional include the following:

  • The BP’s actions are unsafe to either you or her, for example, major rages or threats of suicide.

  • The relationship has been dysfunctional for many years.

  • The person with BPD is in a position of some authority, such as a parent.

  • You depend on your family member for practical matters, such as financial support or a place to live.

  • Your family member has made threats in the past, especially scary ones.

  • Your BP has enlisted allies to pressure you.

  Discussing Limits

  In this chapter, you’ve done an amazing amount of work. Now, it is time to start talking to your family member about your decisions. Most likely, you will have many discussions over days, weeks, and even months. Think of this as a process, not an event. Again, start small and go slowly with a limit or two—don’t suddenly give your BP a laundry list of everything you want.