The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Read online

  TIPS about Praise

  Praise is the opposite of the least reinforcing scenario. Reward in small steps; things don’t have to be perfect. The acronym TIPS will help you make your praise most effective. Make it

  T: True. People can see through underserved praise, or it may make them expect praise without having to work for it.

  I: Immediate. Give the praise as the behavior occurs, if possible.

  P: Positive. This makes the behavior more likely to occur again.

  S: Specific. What, exactly, went right? How is it helpful? Say what you observed rather than making judgments. For example, “When you counted to ten before you got mad, you avoided a fight” is better than “I liked the way you counted to ten.” The first helps build self-esteem, while the second makes them depend on your opinion.

  Conclusion

  Start Today

  What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it.

  • Antoine de Saint-Exupery •

  There is an oft-told story about a man of faith who found himself in a massive flood. He climbed to the roof of his house and watched as people got into boats and evacuated the town.

  The water rose and rose. As the rescuers passed him, they kept urging him to get in the boat, where they would take him to a safe place. “No,” he said. “God will take care of me. This is a test of my faith.”

  Three boats came by. Three times he refused.

  Finally, the water rose to his neck and he cried, “Where are you, Lord? Why haven’t you rescued me?”

  To his surprise, the clouds parted and sunlight streamed down on his face. In a booming voice, God said, “What are you talking about? I sent you three boats!”

  Hope and miracles are around you, if you take a closer look. Your life may not be what you envisioned at the start of your journey. But unlike our unfortunate friend on the roof, you have realized that you make your own hope and make your own choices. You can’t change your loved one, but you can change yourself. And you have the power to make a difference for those to follow. It only takes three things:

  1. A long, deep breath.

  2. A “leap of faith.” A leap of faith means going to the edge of your blindness—then a little more ways. The leap of faith for those who have BPD is to trust in the love of others, however imperfect it may be. The leap of faith for those who care about someone with BPD is not to take the behavior personally, however hurtful it may be.

  3. Now, go find your boat.

  Resources

  This list is only a beginning, and it primarily represents those resources used while writing this book. Many worthy ones are not included because of space. To see a fuller list with links to purchase the materials, visit www.bpdcentral.com.

  Materials with one or two stars are either exceptionally good and/or were the most significant in formulating the content of this book and its predecessors. Materials with a plus sign speak frankly about the effect of BPD behaviors on family members. They may be triggering for individuals with BPD. Some books may appear in more than one category. Some authors have Web sites, which are also listed.

  Materials About Borderline Personality Disorder

  Materials about BPD Not Available in Bookstores

  Back from the Edge, DVD (White Plains, NY: Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center, 2007), www.bpdresourcecenter.org.

  Border-Lines. Newsletter subscription available at www.bpdcentral.com.

  Eddy, W. A., High Conflict Personalities: Understanding and Resolving Their Costly Disputes (San Diego, CA: High Conflict Institute, 2003), www.highconflictinstitute.com.

  ———, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2003), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355. A companion CD is also available.

  Kreger, R., and E. Gunn, The ABC’s of BPD: The Basics of Borderline Personality Disorder for Beginners (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2007), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Kreger, R., and K. A. Williams-Justesen, Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health and Legal Rights When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2000), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Lewis, K., and P. Shirley, You’re My World: A Non-BP’s Guide to Custody (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2001), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Rashkin, R., An Umbrella for Alex (Roswell, GA: PDAN Press, 2006), www.pdan.org. This is a book for children about a parent with mood swings.

  Winkler, K., and R. Kreger, Hope for Parents: Helping Your Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family or Yourself (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2000), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Materials About BPD Available Wherever Books Are Sold

  **Aguirre, B. A., Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD (Beverly, MA: Fair Winds Press, 2007).

  **Chapman, A. L., and K. L. Gratz, The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007).

  **Friedel, R. O., Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD (New York: Marlowe & Company, 2004), www.bpddemystified.com.

  Gunderson, J. G., and P. D. Hoffman, eds., Understanding and Treating Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Professionals and Families (Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing, 2005).

  **+Kreger, R., with J. P. Shirley, The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living with Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2002), www.bpdcentral.com

  Kreisman, J. J., and H. Straus, Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2004).

  **+Lawson, C. A., Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 2002).

  Linehan, M. M., Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (New York: Guilford Press, 1993), behavioraltech.org. This manual is written for clinicians who use dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), but it has useful worksheets for those with BPD.

  **+Mason, P. T., and R. Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1998), www.bpdcentral.com.

  Moskovitz, R., Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder, 2nd ed. (Lanham, MD: Taylor Trade Publishing, 2001).

  **Reiland, R., Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2004). Warning: This book may be too emotionally intense for some borderline individuals.

  +Roth, K., and F. B. Friedman, Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2003), www.survivingaborderlineparent.com.

  Resources by Power Tools (Skills Training)

  Power Tool 1: Take Good Care of Yourself

  Carnegie, D., How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (New York: Pocket Books, 2004).

  Hamilton, M., Serenity to Go: Calming Techniques for Your Hectic Life (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001).

  McKay, M., and D. Harp, Neural Path Therapy: How to Change Your Brain’s Response to Anger, Fear, Pain, and Desire (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2005).

  Tartell, G., and T. Kavanau, Get Fit in Bed: Tone Your Body and Calm Your Mind from the Comfort of Your Bed (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2006).

  Power Tool 2: Uncover What Keeps You Feeling Stuck

  Beattie, M., Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, 2nd ed. (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1992).

  **Berg, B. C., How to Escape the No-Win Trap (New York: McGraw-Hill
, 2004).

  **Black, J., and G. Enns, Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997).

  **+Brown, E. B., Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People (Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell, 1999).

  Brown, N. W., Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd ed. (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2008).

  Engel, B., Divorcing a Parent: Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You’ve Always Wanted (New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1990), www.beverlyengel.com.

  ———, The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself (New York: Fawcett Columbine, 1990), www.beverlyengel.com.

  ———, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2002), www.beverlyengel.com.

  ———, Loving Him Without Losing You: How to Stop Disappearing and Start Being Yourself (New York: John Wiley, 2000), www.beverlyengel.com. This book is also appropriate for men.

  Evans, P., Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You (Avon, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 2002.)

  **Forward, S., with D. Frazier, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1997).

  **Forward, S., with C. Buck, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (New York: Bantam Books, 1989).

  Jeffers, S., Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (New York: Ballantine, 2007).

  **+Klatte, B., and K. Thompson, It’s So Hard to Love You: Staying Sane When Your Loved One Is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007).

  **Lerner, H., The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (New York: Perennial Currents, 2005). This book is also invaluable for men.

  Miller, A., The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love (Tucson, AZ: Wheatmark, 2008).

  Neuharth, D., If You Had Controlling Parents: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World (New York: Cliff Street Books, 1998).

  **Savage, E., Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997), www.queenofrejection.com.

  Stenack, R. J., Stop Controlling Me! What to Do When Someone You Love Has Too Much Power Over You (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001).

  Young, J. E., and J. S. Klosko, Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior . . . and Feel Great Again (New York: Plume, 1993), www.schematherapy.com.

  Power Tool 3: Communicate to Be Heard

  **+Klatte, B., and K. Thompson, It’s So Hard to Love You: Staying Sane When Your Loved One Is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007).

  Linehan, M. M., Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder (New York: Guilford Press, 1993), behavioraltech.org. This manual is written for clinicians who use dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), but it has useful worksheets for those with BPD.

  **+Lundberg, G. B., and J. S. Lundberg, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better (New York: Viking, 1999).

  Wainwright, G. R., Teach Yourself Body Language (Chicago: McGraw-Hill, 2004).

  Power Tool 4: Set Limits with Love

  **Black, J., and G. Enns, Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997).

  Engel, B., The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality—or If You Do (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley, 2007).

  Katherine, A., Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1991).

  **+Klatte, B., and K. Thompson, It’s So Hard to Love You: Staying Sane When Your Loved One Is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007).

  Lerner, R., Living in the Comfort Zone: The Gift of Boundaries in Relationships (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1995).

  Power Tool 5: Reinforce the Right Behavior

  **Aguirre, B. A., Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD (Beverly, MA: Fair Winds Press, 2007).

  **Pryor, K., Don’t Shoot the Dog! The New Art of Teaching and Training, rev. ed. (New York: Bantam Books, 1999).

  **Sutherland, A., What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers (New York: Random House, 2008).

  Specialized Materials

  People with BPD

  Anderson, S., The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (New York: Berkley Publishing Group, 2000).

  **Chapman, A. L., and K. L. Gratz, The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with BPD (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007).

  Kreisman, J. J., and H. Straus, Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2004).

  Moskovitz, R., Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder, 2nd ed. (Lanham, MD: Taylor Trade Publishing, 2001).

  Couples Issues

  Eddy, W. A., Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2003), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355. A companion CD is also available.

  Fruzzetti, A. E., The High-Conflict Couple: A Dialectical Behavior Therapy Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy, and Validation (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2006).

  Kreger, R., and K. A. Williams-Justesen, Love and Loathing: Protecting Your Mental Health and Legal Rights When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2000), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Lewis, K., and P. Shirley, You’re My World: A Non-BP’s Guide to Custody (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2001), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Paleg, K., and M. McKay, When Anger Hurts Your Relationship: 10 Simple Solutions for Couples Who Fight (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001).

  Thayer, E., and J. Zimmerman, The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict after a Difficult Divorce (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2001).

  Parents with a Borderline Child

  **Aguirre, B. A., Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD (Beverly, MA: Fair Winds Press, 2007).

  Greene, R. W., The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, revised and updated (New York: Harper, 2005).

  McVey-Noble, M. E., S. Khemlani-Patel, and F. Neziroglu, When Your Child Is Cutting: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Children Overcome Self-Injury (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2006).

  Rubin, C., Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children, 3rd ed. (Petaluma, CA: NewCentury Publishers, 2007).

  Winkler, K., and R. Kreger, Hope for Parents: Helping Your Borderline Son or Daughter Without Sacrificing Your Family or Yourself (Milwaukee, WI: Eggshells Press, 2000), www.bpdcentral.com, 888-357-4355.

  Children Exposed to BPD Behaviors

  Johnston, J. R., K. Breunig, C. Garrity, and M. Baris, Through the Eyes of Children: Healing Stories for Children of Divorce (New York: Free Press, 1997).

  **+Lawson, C. A., Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson, 2002).

  McKay, M., K. Paleg, P. Fanning, and D. Landis, When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1996).

  Rashkin, R., An Umbrella for Alex (Roswell, GA: PDAN Press, 2006), www.pdan.org. This is a book for children about a parent with mood swings.

  +Roth, K., and F. B. Friedman, Surviving a Bord
erline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2003), www.survivingaborderlineparent.com.

  Biography

  These people were not officially diagnosed with BPD, but their stories are highly indicative of BPD.

  Rossi, M., Courtney Love: Queen of Noise (New York: Pocket Books, 1996).

  Smith, S. B., Diana in Search of Herself: Portrait of a Troubled Princess (New York: Times Books, 1999).

  Spungen, D., And I Don’t Want to Live This Life: A Mother’s Story of Her Daughter’s Murder (New York: Ballantine Books, 1996).

  Self-Harm and Suicide

  Blauner, S. R., How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention (New York: William Morrow, 2002).

  Ellis, T. E., and C. F. Newman, Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1996).

  Levenkron, S., Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation (New York: W. W. Norton, 2006).

  McVey-Noble, M. E., S. Khemlani-Patel, and F. Neziroglu, When Your Child Is Cutting: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Children Overcome Self-Injury (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2006).

  Co-occurring Disorders

  Brown, N. W., Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, 2nd ed. (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2008).

  Carter, L., Enough About You, Let’s Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2005).

  Conyers, B., Addict in the Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery (Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2003).

  Fast, J. A., and J. Preston, Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder: Understanding and Helping Your Partner (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2004).

  Wexler, D. B., Is He Depressed or What? What to Do When the Man You Love Is Irritable, Moody, and Withdrawn (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2005).

  Miscellaneous

  **Goleman, D., Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (New York: Bantam Books, 1995).