The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder Read online

  17. James Holifield, interview with the author, February 2007.

  18. Perry Hoffman, phone interview with the author, March 2007.

  Chapter 6: Finding Professional Help

  1. June Peoples, interview, The Infinite Mind with Dr. Fred Goodwin, WNYC AM 820, November 21, 1999.

  2. R. Moskovitz, “Why Do Many Professionals Still Treat People with BPD As If They Can’t Get Better?” available at www.borderlinepersonality.ca/drm09.htm.

  3. Marsha M. Linehan, interview, The Infinite Mind with Dr. Fred Goodwin, WNYC AM 820, November 21, 1999.

  4.Kathleen, interview, The Infinite Mind with Dr. Fred Goodwin, WNYC AM 820, November 21, 1999.

  5. Rachel Reiland, e-mail to the author, 1997.

  6. A. J. Mahari, “Is Your BPD Loved One Serious About Therapy?” available at www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm.

  7. J. G. Gunderson and C. Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines,” available at www.neabpd.org/guidelines.shtml. Edited slightly with permission.

  8. B. D. Beitman in T. DeAngelis, “Where Psychotherapy Meets Neuroscience,” Monitor on Psychology 36, no. 10 (November 2005), available at www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/neuroscience.html.

  9. T. DeAngelis, “Where Psychotherapy Meets Neuroscience,” Monitor on Psychology 36, no. 10 (November 2005), available at www.apa.org/monitor/nov05/neuroscience.html.

  10. Robert Friedel, interview with the author, August 2007.

  11. B. A. Aguirre, Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD (Beverly, MA: Fair Winds Press, 2007), 51.

  12. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, “Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation,” available at www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/comprehensive_psychiatric_evaluation.

  13. Aguirre, Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents, 22, 12.

  14. J. G. Gunderson, with P. S. Links, Borderline Personality Disorder: A Clinical Guide (Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc., 2001), 182.

  15. R. L. Trestman, “Optimism Grows for Combined Treatment of Severe Personality Disorder,” Psychiatric Times, October 1, 2004, news section.

  16. A. J. Mahari, “Is Your BPD Loved One Serious About Therapy?” available at www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles8.htm.

  17. Andrea Corn, interview with the author, June 2007.

  18. K. Kersting, “Axis II Gets Short Shrift,” Monitor on Psychology 35, no. 3 (March 2004), available at www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/axis.html.

  19. Ibid.

  20. New York State Psychiatric Association, “Questions and Answers About Psychiatry,” available at www.nyspsych.org/webpages/qa.asp.

  21. National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder, “About Borderline Personality Disorder,” available at www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/FAQ.shtml.

  22. Byron Bloemer, interview with the author, May 2007.

  23. Blaise Aguirre, interview with the author, April 2007.

  About Power Tools

  1. J. O. Prochaska, J. C. Norcross, and C. C. DiClemente, Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward (New York: Avon, 1994).

  Chapter 7: Power Tool 1: Take Good Care of Yourself

  1.“Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Symptoms, Types and Treatment,”available at www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm; K. McKeever, “PTSD a Risk Factor for Long-Term Disease,” available at www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=87135; “Depression (Major Depression),” available at www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression/DS00175/DSECTION=2.

  2. E. Savage, Don’t Take It Personally! The Art of Dealing with Rejection (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997).

  3. D. Carnegie, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living (New York: Pocket Books, 2004).

  4. Chris, www.mytriptoozandback.com.

  5. C. DeRoo and C. DeRoo, What’s Right with Me: Positive Ways to Celebrate Your Strengths, Build Self-Esteem, and Reach Your Potential (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2006).

  6. Andrea Brandt, The Anger Zone, www.theangerzone.com.

  7. D. J. Lieberman, How to Change Anybody: Proven Techniques to Reshape Anyone’s Attitude, Behavior, Feelings, or Beliefs (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2005), 12.

  8. M. D. Lemonick, “A Frazzled Mind, a Weakened Body,” Time, January 20, 2003, available at www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1004080,00.html.

  9. Ibid.

  10. K. Mahr, “How Stress Harms the Heart, available at www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1669766,00.html?iid=sphere-inline-bottom.

  11. H. E. Marano, “The Rewards of Shut-Eye,” Psychology Today Online, April 25, 2003, available at www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20030425-000002.html.

  12. Ibid.

  13. P. Maruff, M. G. Falleti, A. Collie, D. Darby, and M. McStephen, “Fatigue-Related Impairment in the Speed, Accuracy and Variability of Psychomotor Performance: Comparison with Blood Alcohol Levels,” Journal of Sleep Research 14, no. 1 (March 2005): 21–27.

  14. M. Carmichael, “Stronger, Faster, Smarter,” Newsweek, March 26, 2007, available at www.newsweek.com/id/36056.

  15. J. Phelps, Why Am I Still Depressed? Recognizing and Managing the Ups and Downs of Bipolar II and Soft Bipolar Disorder (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006).

  Chapter 8: Power Tool 2: Uncover What Keeps You Feeling Stuck

  1. B. C. Berg, How to Escape the No-Win Trap (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2004), 7–9.

  2. Ibid., 21.

  3. Ibid., 10.

  4. D. Goleman, “Feeling of Control Viewed as Central in Mental Health,” New York Times, October 7, 1986, available at query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9A0DE1D61731F934A35753C1A960948260&sec=health&spon=&pagewanted=all.

  5. B. Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2002), 10–11; B. Engel, The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome: What to Do If Someone in Your Life Has a Dual Personality—or If You Do (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley, 2007), 89.

  6. J. M. Carver, “Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser,” available at drjoecarver.makeswebsites.com/clients/49355/File/love_and_stockholm_syndrome.html.

  7. B. Klatte and K. Thompson, It’s So Hard to Love You: Staying Sane When Your Loved One Is Manipulative, Needy, Dishonest, or Addicted (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2007), 45.

  8. For more information about this, see P. T. Mason and R. Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1998), 172–74.

  9. S. Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway (New York: Ballantine Books, 1987), 18.

  10. Klatte and Thompson, It’s So Hard to Love You, 50.

  11. Perry Hoffman, interview with the author, March 2007.

  12. Debra Resnick, interview with the author, February 2008.

  13. Berg, How to Escape the No-Win Trap, 23.

  14. J. J. Messina and C. Messina, “Tools for Handling Control Issues: Developing Detachment,” available at www.coping.org/control/detach.htm.

  15. “Codependent with You,” music and lyrics by John Forster, ©1991 Limousine Music Co. (ASCAP). All rights reserved.

  16. A. Miller, The Enabler: When Helping Hurts the Ones You Love (Tucson, AZ: Wheatmark, 2008), 37.

  17. E. B. Brown, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People (Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell, 1999), 217, 218.

  18. “Tools for Handling Control Issues: Developing Detachment,” available at www.coping.org/control/detach.htm; “Tools for Personal Growth: Accepting Personal Responsibility,” available at www.coping.org/growth/accept.htm.

  Chapter 9: Power Tool 3: Communicate to Be Heard

  1. B. Pologe, “Couples,” available at www.aboutpsychotherapy.com/Tcouples.htm.

  2. H. Mills “Anger vs. Fear,” available at www.mentalhelp.
net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=5806&cn=116.

  3. Chris, www.mytriptoozandback.com.

  4. A. J. Mahari, “BPD: The Power and Control Struggle,” available at www.borderlinepersonality.ca/borderpowercontrolstruggle.htm.

  5. P. Chard, “Out of My Mind,” Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, May 23, 2006, 3E.

  6. Available at www.merriam-webster.com.

  7. S. Heller, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Conquering Fear and Anxiety (Royersford, PA: Alpha Publishing, 1999), 74.

  8. P. T. Mason and R. Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1998).

  9. C. Bojrab, “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Psychotropic Medication but Were Afraid to Ask,” CRGA (Children’s Resource Group Associates) Continuing Education Seminar, Indianapolis, Indiana, November 16, 2007.

  10. P. Bierma, “Depression and Verbal Abuse,” available at www.ahealthyme.com/topic/depverbal.

  11. Mason and Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells, 166.

  12. J. G. Gunderson and C. Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines,” available at www.neabpd.org/guidelines.shtml. Edited slightly with permission.

  13. L. J. Bookbinder, Touch Another Heart: Empathy and Listening Skills for Emotional Intimacy, www.touch-another-heart.com.

  14. See Roundstone International, Inc., “Communication,” available at www.roundstoneintl.com.

  15. L. J. Bookbinder, “5. Controlling the Urge to Help,” available at www.touch-another-heart.com/ch5.htm.

  16. G. B. Lundberg and J. S. Lundberg, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better (New York: Penguin Group, 1995), 82.

  17.Ibid., 84.

  18. A. Mehrabian, “‘Silent Messages’: A Wealth of Information About Nonverbal Communication (Body Language),” available at www.kaaj.com/psych/smorder.html.

  19. S. Dingfelder, “BPD Tied to Enhanced Emotion Recognition,” Monitor on Psychology 37, no. 11 (December 2006), available at www.apa.org/monitor/dec06/bpd.html.

  20. B. A. Aguirre, Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents: A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD (Beverly, MA: Fair Winds Press, 2007), 48.

  21. Mehrabian, “‘Silent Messages’”; Jan Hargrave, interview with the author, June 2007; “Tools for Communication: Nonverbal Communication Issues,” available at www.coping.org/dialogue/nonverbal.htm; T. Loo, “Using Body Position to Defuse Angry People,” available at ezinearticles.com/?Using-Body-Position-to-Defuse-Angry-People&id=158056; “Nonverbal Communication: The Hidden Language of Emotional Intelligence,” available at www.helpguide.org/mental/EQ6_nonverbal_communication.htm; G. R. Wainwright, Teach Yourself Body Language (Chicago: McGraw-Hill, 2004), 6–17.

  22. Gunderson and Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines.”

  23. Gunderson and Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines.”

  24. E. B. Brown, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People (Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell, 1999), 149.

  25. “Invalidation,” available at www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Examples%20of%20invalidating%20expressions.

  26. Sharon, interview with the author, February 2008.

  Chapter 10: Power Tool 4: Set Limits with Love

  1. Jack, interview with the author, January 2007.

  2. D. R. Bellafiore, “Boundaries in Relationships,” available at drbalternatives.com/articles/si7.html.

  3. J. Black and G. Enns, Better Boundaries: Owning and Treasuring Your Life (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997), 10–13.

  4. Debra Resnick, interview with the author, February 2008.

  5. J. Adams, Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley and Sons, 2005), 7–9.

  6. B. Engel, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing (Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons, 2002), 108.

  7. Suzanne Roberts, interview with the author, July 2008.

  8. S. Forward, with D. Frazier, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1997), 39–40.

  9. Ibid., 150.

  10. P. T. Mason and R. Kreger, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1998), 62–63.

  11. G. B. Lundberg and J. S. Lundberg, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better (New York: Penguin Group, 1995), 11–12.

  12. Blaise Aguirre, interview with the author, April 2007.

  13. J. G. Gunderson and C. Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines,” available at www.neabpd.org/guidelines.shtml. Edited slightly with permission.

  14. Perry Hoffman, interview with the author, March 2007.

  15. Freda Friedman, interview with the author, April 2007.

  16. Gunderson and Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines.”

  17. Freda Friedman, interview with the author, April 2007.

  18. A. Mehrabian, “‘Silent Messages’: A Wealth of Information About Nonverbal Communication (Body Language),” available at www.kaaj.com/psych/smorder.html; Jan Hargrave, interview with the author, June 2007; “Tools for Communication: Nonverbal Communication Issues,” available at www.coping.org/dialogue/nonverbal.htm; T. Loo, “Using Body Position to Defuse Angry People,” available at ezinearticles.com/?Using-Body-Position-to-Defuse-Angry-People&id=158056; “Nonverbal Communication: The Hidden Language of Emotional Intelligence,” available at www.helpguide.org/mental/EQ6_nonverbal_communication.htm; G. R. Wainwright, Teach Yourself Body Language (Chicago: McGraw-Hill, 2004), 6–17.

  19. Sharon, interview with the author, February 2008.

  20. Gunderson and Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines.”

  Chapter 11: Power Tool 5: Reinforce the Right Behavior

  1. A. Sutherland, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers (New York: Random House, 2008).

  2. K. Pryor, Don’t Shoot the Dog! The New Art of Teaching and Training (New York: Bantam Books, 1984), 120.

  3. Sharon, interview with the author, February 2008.

  4. Sutherland, What Shamu Taught Me about Love, Life, and Marriage.

  5. Ibid., xiii.

  6. Pryor, Don’t Shoot the Dog!

  7. See www.clickertraining.com/node/484 for more information.

  8. Sutherland, What Shamu Taught Me about Love, Life, and Marriage, 118–19.

  9. Rita, interview with the author, February 2008.

  10. Pryor, Don’t Shoot the Dog! 133–34.

  11. J. G. Gunderson and C. Berkowitz, “Family Guidelines,” available at www.neabpd.org/guidelines.shtml. Edited slightly with permission.

  12. Ibid., 2.

  About the Author

  RANDI KREGER has brought the concerns of people who have a family member with borderline personality disorder (BPD) to an international forefront through her best-selling books, informative Web site, and popular online family support community.

  Her book Stop Walking on Eggshells, co-written with Paul Mason, has sold more than 350,000 copies worldwide. Her second book, The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, was published in 2002 and met similar acclaim.

  Her Web site, BPDCentral (www.bpdcentral.com), is one of the longest-established and largest sites about BPD. It serves as a gateway for her popular Welcome to Oz (WTO) online support community for people who have a loved one with BPD.

  Kreger speaks and gives workshops about BPD internationally.

  Hazelden, a national nonprofit organization founded in 1949, helps people reclaim their lives from the disease of addiction. Built on decades of knowledge and experience, Hazelden offers a comprehensive approach to addiction that addresses the full range of patient, family, and professional needs, including treatment and continuing care for youth and adults, research, higher learning, public education and advocacy, and publishing.


  A life of recovery is lived “one day at a time.” Hazelden publications, both educational and inspirational, support and strengthen lifelong recovery. In 1954, Hazelden published Twenty-Four Hours a Day, the first daily meditation book for recovering alcoholics, and Hazelden continues to publish works to inspire and guide individuals in treatment and recovery, and their loved ones. Professionals who work to prevent and treat addiction also turn to Hazelden for evidence-based curricula, informational materials, and videos for use in schools, treatment programs, and correctional programs.

  Through published works, Hazelden extends the reach of hope, encouragement, help, and support to individuals, families, and communities affected by addiction and related issues.

  For questions about Hazelden publications, please call

  800-328-9000 or visit us online at hazelden.org/bookstore.

  Table of Contents

  Half-Title Page

  Blurbs Page

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication Page

  Epigraph Page

  Contents

  Foreword

  Acknowledgments

  About This Book

  Part 1 Title Page

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Part 2 Title Page

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Conclusion

  Resources

  Notes

  About the Author

  Publisher Information